Too much love

You hear it all the time, that the birth of a child brings you a love you've never known before. It's hard to comprehend if you don't have children- and I know I certainly could only imagine it, if not understand it or experience it.

I felt a weird disconnection to myself the day Tilly was born. As this tiny human was coming out into the world, I felt myself almost looking at the situation as if being another person in the room. It seemed so surreal that there was a real live baby, that it was mine, that I was actually giving birth to her. I've dreamt of having children all my life, but was it really real?

I loved her before she even showed her face in this world, so I'm not sure if that 'rush' of love that many mothers speak of happened in that way. I knew I loved her, and when she arrived, that love certainly didn't dim. I held her warm little body against me, looked at that little face that I both knew and didn't know, and simply felt a feeling of steadiness. 

I think it took me a while to separate my post-childbirth pain and trauma from the process of discovering my child, but I know that as the haze of baby blues began to lift once we were home again, I saw my position as mother to this child in clearer light. And one day, when I was holding her in my arms, feeling all the weight and responsibility of having to care for someone who needed me wholly and solely, and feeling absolute despair, I began to sing to her. I had Disney songs playing on Spotify, and I found myself singing along, singing to my girl. And as I sang the theme from Beauty and the Beast, my heart exploded, and I sang through my tears, singing to my baby girl.

I found a love that completely overwhelmed me. I wanted to hold her close, squeeze her tight, protect her from all the bad and sad and scary in this world. I wanted to make her smile, be her bulldog, be her guiding light. This tiny, perfect, incredible human was a part of me, and yet, at the same time, completely herself.

Is there such a thing as too much love? Well, I think there can be the overuse of love, in the sense that you can become too protective, or not allow them to discover the world for themselves, or prevent them from learning and growing, for fear of them being hurt. Everybody needs to experience hurt in their lives, it's how we learn and evolve. But the overwhelming love we have for them can make us want to stop that from happening. I don't think you can have too much love though. There's nothing wrong with loving someone so completely that nothing could change it. There's nothing wrong with feeling like you could burst into tears or laughter or both just thinking about that person. There's probably something wrong with waking them up to cuddle them in your bouts of explosive love (I am smart enough to restrain myself when those urges arrive, ain't no way I'm waking that kid when she's finally asleep!). 

I think I always thought I'd be able to explain the way I felt about my babies. And as someone who likes (okay, needs) to be able to put a label on things, it is a bit of a struggle to admit that I can't explain it. I still don't even know if it's 'all there', if that makes sense. I think the love grows a little more every day. But there's no way to put it into words how I feel, or what my heart is doing when I look at her, talk about her, think about her. I'm sure I'll drive her crazy one day, forcing cuddles and kisses on her when she's waaaay past wanting them, but I also secretly hope she'll never tire of my love. Because I'll never tire of loving her.